phoEnix

i cleaned my room full out for the first time in…god knows how long… threw away 2 full sized garbage bags, twas qiute the mess. but in that cleaning i found things i had forgoten i had. one of which i put on the back burner of my mind, a diary. something i thought i had lost the key too, but sure enough, in the cleaning frenzy i found  those too.
sure enough it was a diary from my grade 11 year, shorty after we broke up. (i think…im pretty sure…anyway…around that time for sure.) i finally had the courage and the alone time to read through it. it made me think of things i had forgotten. and first things first i want to appologise greatly…beacause i had forgotten how you got hurt from the things i did. every word that i uttered that hurt you… i should not have put you through that or anyone for that matter, every threat to cut myself, every threat to swallow pills again, every threat to hrow myself down the  river bank…you went through alot because of me. i was far to self absorbed at the time to even think of someone else…and for that too im sorry. i realized (and probibly far too late) that i did alot of damage to you. the person you were when we met…is not the person you ended up after me. and im sorry. you shouldnt have been forced to change the way you did with me.
i guess i hadnt really given it any thought of what i did to you in my attempted suicide…seeing anyone go through that, nto to mention someone you were close too…i cant even fathom. and im sorry that you had to. i am sorry from the bottom of my heart. ive had a few stiff realizations and though not easy they have changed who i am now. its almost hard to beleive thats who i used to be. as hard as that may be for you to beleive, it wouldnt surprise me.
i want to appologise for the way i acted when i came to visit you…it wasnt because i was too homesick for…though i know it came off that way…but to me you changed…you changed in every way that i wanted to change. adn i suppose i was extreemly jealous…and part of it was the fact that bothered me too, i felt like the only reason you started talking to me again was because my dad died…you hurt me and i didnt want your pitty, because thats what it felt like i was getting…not to mention and please dont breath a word of this to anyone. i suppose what i couldnt get out of my head, and that was bothering me the most was that…i missed you. i missed being with you. and i didnt want to feel that way, i wanted to be as over you as you were me. but unfotunatly, there is still some small peice of my heart that you never gave back. and im sorry that i acted that way, it was not only wrong of me but…stupid of me…and i really am sorry.
i know these words may mean little to you now, but i apreciate that you read them (if you did, which i hope you did) i realize how manytimes i typed sorry into this message, and im hoping that that word still has its meaning… things have changed, for the both of us.
i guess what made me realize this the most was the note i wrote out for you, which was of our msn conversations…the one about your armour and all the supposed dents in it…
i just hope you can forgive me and maybe eventually one day still see me as “allannah jadwiga wrobel [that is] kind, compasionate, and a little crazy” ok, maybe ive discovered alot crazy.

i truly hope that all is well with you. i truly truly do.

8 letters, 3 words, once you say them you can never take them back. always remember that.

i was talking to a good friend of mine, ive known him for years. we started talking and he is the last person i would have thought to figure it out….and hes right. its time for me to fess it up…stop blaming depression stop blaming whatever else ive been blaming… stop thinking that the reason i act the way i do it past my own control… i need to stop “overanylyzing [myself] to the extent that any character flaw that [i] see in [me] is so overmagnified that antoher person would brush it off as simply” to but it in his words ”a quirk in character” hes right and ive never had it worded more clearly…”but could you be seeking answers to these problems for some sort of excuse that these quirks are something that you have no control over, and that you yourself are trying to escape the possible reality that you are responsible for these lapses in character? trying to avoid the idea that you are responsible for them and that you dont want to say, “hey, i did that”

isnt it up to the oldest to look after the house? i mean, after my dad passed away i feel like its up to me to hold down the fort. well my older sister is moving out, i mean shes 21…its about time. but im  ready to leave the nest. start my own life, have my own experiences. live with my boyfriend start our life together…but for some reason i have this thought thats been hovering over my head like a dark cloud. since my sister is moving out its up to me to hold the house up. and its a large house. too much for one person. so if i were to move out as well it would most likely go up for sale. and my dad did all the renovations so its like selling a peice of him. and because im the last to move…it would be my fault. my fault that my moms grandchildren wont come home to the same place i grew up. so i have that burden on my shoulders. that i cant leave cuz my mom would colapse and we would have to sell the house and i think my family would blame me, because i moved out, they now have to sell the house. and its eating away at me…cuz i want to start my own life…but feel held down by the weight of my family and home that i cant. its putting alot of pressure on me. and im not sure what to do because i feel i cant become or grow cuz im stuck and i cant move on past it.

i’ve had it asked of me to do some thinking…there are things ive said and done that ill be the first to admit, im anything but proud of. Its almost sad really how long its taken me to start changing. For the past almost 5 years, ive been nothing but talk. I do things, in almost a trance like way. Ill be doing things, like yelling and screaming and crying, saying things like “its over” or “why bother” or “you just lost me” or “its just not worth it anymore” making empty threats that at the time im not so sure are empty. Then not more than 20 maybe 30 minutes later its almost as if i snap out of this trance like state. I then start to think, what did i just do what did i just say? Because i actually cant remember. Its almost like im another person with completely different thoughts, as mental as that sounds. In my writing im hoping that i will maybe be able to stop doing things like that…and let it out on paper, well screen i suppose, rather than on the ones i love that surroud me.