phoEnix

i was talking to a good friend of mine, ive known him for years. we started talking and he is the last person i would have thought to figure it out….and hes right. its time for me to fess it up…stop blaming depression stop blaming whatever else ive been blaming… stop thinking that the reason i act the way i do it past my own control… i need to stop “overanylyzing [myself] to the extent that any character flaw that [i] see in [me] is so overmagnified that antoher person would brush it off as simply” to but it in his words ”a quirk in character” hes right and ive never had it worded more clearly…”but could you be seeking answers to these problems for some sort of excuse that these quirks are something that you have no control over, and that you yourself are trying to escape the possible reality that you are responsible for these lapses in character? trying to avoid the idea that you are responsible for them and that you dont want to say, “hey, i did that”

isnt it up to the oldest to look after the house? i mean, after my dad passed away i feel like its up to me to hold down the fort. well my older sister is moving out, i mean shes 21…its about time. but im  ready to leave the nest. start my own life, have my own experiences. live with my boyfriend start our life together…but for some reason i have this thought thats been hovering over my head like a dark cloud. since my sister is moving out its up to me to hold the house up. and its a large house. too much for one person. so if i were to move out as well it would most likely go up for sale. and my dad did all the renovations so its like selling a peice of him. and because im the last to move…it would be my fault. my fault that my moms grandchildren wont come home to the same place i grew up. so i have that burden on my shoulders. that i cant leave cuz my mom would colapse and we would have to sell the house and i think my family would blame me, because i moved out, they now have to sell the house. and its eating away at me…cuz i want to start my own life…but feel held down by the weight of my family and home that i cant. its putting alot of pressure on me. and im not sure what to do because i feel i cant become or grow cuz im stuck and i cant move on past it.

i’ve had it asked of me to do some thinking…there are things ive said and done that ill be the first to admit, im anything but proud of. Its almost sad really how long its taken me to start changing. For the past almost 5 years, ive been nothing but talk. I do things, in almost a trance like way. Ill be doing things, like yelling and screaming and crying, saying things like “its over” or “why bother” or “you just lost me” or “its just not worth it anymore” making empty threats that at the time im not so sure are empty. Then not more than 20 maybe 30 minutes later its almost as if i snap out of this trance like state. I then start to think, what did i just do what did i just say? Because i actually cant remember. Its almost like im another person with completely different thoughts, as mental as that sounds. In my writing im hoping that i will maybe be able to stop doing things like that…and let it out on paper, well screen i suppose, rather than on the ones i love that surroud me.